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Passive Aggressive Communicators in Social Networks: A Guide to Self Control

2012-01-17T16:38:00.001-06:00

Since about 1998, I've had an interest in online communities and psychology. In fact, it was a large part of my 1st Master's Degree. A few months ago, I had written an article that addresses the psychological benefits and detriments within the realm of social networking. As we all know, many behaviors exhibited in social media places are not exhibited face to face. Day in and day out and being connected to 131 people (which is the average Facebook user's friend total) I witness intentional communication posted to harm someone. One of the largest exhibition of unacceptable behavior is passive/aggressive Facebook communication.

Are you able to express yourself and your needs clearly? Can you find the words to say what you're thinking without sounding judgmental or punitive? Do you say it like it is or do you find subtle, passive aggressive ways to get your message across? Most of us have been on the receiving end of someones unspoken criticism masked as a simple request or a seemingly innocuous statement.

Usually it is delivered by someone who fears some sort of repercussion from you if they tell you what they are really thinking. The person delivering this message may believe they are avoiding conflict, and this may be effective, but what they are creating instead is resentment in the relationship.

How many times have you had a situation in your life go awry with a person and fantasize about posting a public comment about it on Facebook by generalizing. For instance, "People who stand me up to go out with other friends annoy me and should have no right to do that"... or "People who stand me up to go out with other friends instead should be shot".

The temptation is there, isn't it: To show kind of passive/aggressive communication and justify that as a means to declare our "self-righteous" intentions?? But the truth is... we feel tempted to post those things because we are certain "that friend" is bound to see that post and react to it in a way that says, "TAKE THAT, FRIEND".

Most of us come to our senses and leave it as a fantasy. Some of us however, can't help ourselves and go for it on a regular basis.

However, this type of behavior sure gets me thinking about how easy just one instance of "take that" can set social media friendships on fire on a ride straight to hell! Opinions are one thing... but intentional flaming is another...and doing so passive/aggressively certainly "ups" the ante on "take that!"

Sadly so, dishing out passive/aggressive communication puts us in the role of "shame giver" and "entitled to do so".

I like what Freedom Reeves has to say about this type of behavior:

"The key to all of this social technology, in my humble opinion, is that it should encourage, not replace, good communication and healthy relationships. If you’re mad at someone, talk to them about it. If you can’t do that, then log off, stew in it for a while and let it go. If it’s not important enough to take to someone directly, it’s definitely not important enough to be on the internet."

I also support what Cyndi Ross, M.A has to say about this as well: "This type of communication is a learned behavior and a person can actually learn to be more direct but they must first be willing to acknowledge their actions. Passive aggressive communication can be infuriating because the listener may be left unsure about what has been said, and unable to respond directly without seeming overly sensitive. In fact, a direct response is often met with a retreat on the part of the original communicator who feels they can hide behind their indirect communication and put the blame on the listener. They may respond with statements such as, "that's not what I meant, "or "you misunderstood me" or even, "I don't know how you got that message from what I said." Of course sometimes communication is definitely misunderstood but, in the case of a passive aggressive communicator, their message is usually pretty clear even if it doesn't sound that way."

Being passive/aggressive is exhibiting the controlling behavior of "I'm just going to pick up all my toys, go home and sulk without you having anything to say about it." The last time I did this, my teacher in 5th grade gave me the time out I deserved.

"Healthy" Facebooking is not using social media as a secret weapon for people to hide behind and use "some people" generally speaking. So the next time if I get tempted (or you get tempted) to say, "some people" when you really mean "someone in particular"....don't post it at your status as a "take that"! I encourage you to have courage and start an authentic talking/emailing/texting conversation with that person directly to see if resolution can be reached.

And if not.....agree to part company....and sever communication. I can bank on that parting company this way is much better than being passive/aggressive about it....because as I have said before not so long ago-- Being the passive/aggressive communicator says MUCH more about the person GIVING the message that the one who is receiving it.

Praise. Reward. Rinse. Repeat - The Negative Power of Praise

2011-03-20T13:17:00.000-05:00

We all can to some extent read and understand the difference of praise and motivation. Put simply, praise is a behavior modifying and encouragement moves a person toward more self-awareness and understanding. Praise is evaluative, encouragement is intrinsic.

What is praise, really? It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. Let’s take a closer look. What about too much praise? It’s funny to think that many folks feel Skinner had all the answers with his B-mod theory. Think about it. Skinner discovered he can make a rat run a maze, right?

So modern thought and behaviorists seemed to decide it was a good idea to try out what worked on rats on people. If it works on rats, it could work on children, correct? It’s a sad state when modern psychological precepts have insipidly slinked into America’s classrooms in a way that embarrasses the psychology profession! Shame on us!

“Yes! Behavior modification works” educators rejoiced! “It works great and the praise and reward method is empirically solid and ingenius!” We still study Skinner throughout almost all levels of education…from 7^th graders with rats and mazes in a science classroom to doctoral programs helping us understand how B-mod works. But does it really work like we think it does?

Of course educators talk about classroom control. So psychologists thought it a good idea to peddle this idea to teachers about how to get better results in the classroom to boost performance. It seemed like a good idea so our collective consciousness allowed our American classroom for a large part to “let’s go with this and see what happens”

Praise. Reward. Rinse. Repeat, right?

Discipline is on the outs… Praise is coming into vogue. We can’t truly discipline a child in our classrooms but we can teach a child to balance a ball on their nose like a seal who we give sardines to…

All animals are sentient beings. We all have a soul. Where does soul and instinct mix and how does that impact learning? This is where in our classrooms we need to understand that delineation.

I have three horses. They all have distinct personalities. One is motivated by verbal encouragement, one is motivated purely by sweets and the other one is motivated by affection. But my teaching them how to dance, trot, run or race is not just those three things. It goes deeper than that in understanding their needs as a sentient being. Instinctually they are like us and are fight or flight animals. Students are similar. They either stay to fight their way through things or flee from it. Silly fear again, isn’t it??

One problem- I think that Skinner may not have cared about the level of connection we have with a lab rat or seal. He may not have cared about the level of connection with a dog whose behavior makes him salivate at food. Teachers do (hopefully, we do, anyway).

These tests objectified their subjects. Students are not subjects or objects. Skinner didn’t care if these lab rats developed self esteem or strived to learn to their fullest potential. Teachers do.

Funny thing though…my horses love to learn. Why, because I care about their well being, I am connected to them, I tap into their sentiency as beings.

The same goes for our students. Praise is not all that it’s cracked up to be at all.

Joy. That is my adopted middle name which is a long story saved for another time. Many students who I have had over the years have given me ratings where they relate to me as teaching JOY with content. And it didn’t matter what subject they were learning or if they were learning about themselves. My superiors would mention that my students seemed joyful with the learning and students easily picked that up and internalized that, too.

“Tell me more” I would say to them mixed in with a few “way to go”. “I’m interested in what you have to say and feel about that” is what I would say to students.

What language we use: the deeper and more concise language the better. Semiotics teaches us to understand the message behind the message. And just taking the time to “think” before speaking terms of praise and encouragement will guide students into the trap of feeling “icky” about praise or develop a sense of well being with encouragement.

When praise is given, students EXPECT more of it. When they don’t get their praise “amount” they are used to getting, they actually perform more poorly.

Students are performing for money, junk food, a new car, and whatever else money can buy instead of understanding the VALUE of learning which comes from continuous language that tells the student we value them as a person. That is encouragement. That is where students get that “feel good feeling” about what they are learning and doing.

They are learning because they get that internal “warm fuzzy” and not the piece of candy. They are learning and growing as people because they have a better sense of appreciation for themselves and for their teacher instead of having the feeling of being shallow-ly rewarded with praise.

Praise sets up conditional and power struggle. Praise says to a student,

“You do this and I will do that” and the flip side is “If you DON’T, I’ll do something else”.

Praise sets up manipulative practices for learning. That’s pretty conditional isn’t it? But we don’t need to put a sock in our mouths either and avoid praise all together. PLEASE PRACTICE MINDFULNESS IN COMMUNICATION! Praise done correctly and to an appropriate way is ok. As long as it doesn’t exceed into the areas of manipulation (unhealthy behaviors occur most commonly unintentionally mind you…so of course we wouldn’t manipulate a student on purpose).

Unconditional acceptance is the promise of encouragement, life-long learning and teaching the value of learning anything --- and it’s up to us as teachers to understand the difference and “watch our mouths” before we step into the trap of using language that does the opposite… We will have to separate the behavior from the student, use “I” statements instead of labeling a student, give importance to a student’s feelings during the learning process and really be cognizant of the language we use to support our students. It’s up to us to bring about personal qualities of well being in addition to teaching content. And I’m pretty sure that I won’t be dining with rats discussing Plato someday. Or at least, let’s hope not… (envision rat in a tux here). >wink<

Too Many Times Our Culture Throws the Most Valuable Away...

2010-11-22T11:18:00.001-06:00

The Declaration of Independence states that we all have certain inalienable rights, among which are “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” And yet, just a few centuries after the declaration was written, we seem to be a highly dissatisfied nation. According to Pew Research Center, only a third of adults in this country say they’re very happy. With the freedom to choose your own religion, political beliefs and life path, Americans must contend with the conundrum of their general discontent. Although it can be hard to make the distinction, there’s a difference between unhappiness and depression.

Some older adults argue that depressive disorders were far less common before we grew up and became a Prozac nation. It’s possible that depressive disorders are no more prevalent now, but are simply less taboo these days. Whatever the case, there’s no denying that the statistics are somewhat shocking. Although depression is depressing, it needs to be acknowledged.

Top 5 Facts About Senior Depression:

Approximately 2 million seniors in the US have been diagnosed with a depressive disorder
5 million seniors may have symptoms that don’t meet the full diagnostic criteria for a depressive illness
Approximately half of nursing facility residents experience major symptoms of depression
In the study mentioned above, researchers found seniors who were depressed were moved into nursing homes at a rate of 1.5 times that of non-depressed residents
Up to 75 percent of patients experience end-of-life depression; persistent feelings of depression are not normal, even at end of life.

The difficult changes that many elderly or older adults face—such as the death of a spouse or medical problems—can lead to depression, especially in those without a strong support system. But depression is not a normal or necessary part of aging. In fact, most seniors are satisfied with their lives despite the challenges of growing old.

Left alone, depression not only prevents older adults from enjoying life like they could be, it also takes a heavy toll on health. But if you learn how to spot the signs of depression and find effective ways to help, you or your loved ones can remain happy and vibrant throughout the golden years.

Although depression in the elderly is a common problem, only a small percentage get the help they need. There are many reasons depression in older adults is so often overlooked. Some assume seniors have good reason to be down or that depression is just part of aging. Elderly adults are often isolated, with few around to notice their distress. Physicians are more likely to ignore depression in older patients, concentrating instead on physical complaints. Finally, many depressed seniors are reluctant to talk about their feelings or ask for help.

The consequences of this oversight are high. Untreated depression poses serious risks for older adults, including illness, alcohol and prescription drug abuse, a higher mortality rate, and even suicide. So it’s important to watch for the warning signs and seek professional help when you recognize it. The good news is that with treatment and support, depressed seniors can feel better. No one, whether they’re 18 or 80, has to live with depression.

Causes and risk factors that contribute to depression in the elderly include:

Loneliness and isolation – Living alone; a dwindling social circle due to deaths or relocation; decreased mobility due to illness or loss of driving privileges.
Reduced sense of purpose - Feelings of purposelessness or loss of identity due to retirement or physical limitations on activities.
Health problems – Illness and disability; chronic or severe pain; cognitive decline; damage to body image due to surgery or disease.
Medications – Many prescription medications can trigger or exacerbate depression.
Fears – Fear of death or dying; anxiety over financial problems or health issues.
Recent bereavement - The death of friends, family members, and pets; the loss of a spouse or partner.

The very nature of depression interferes with a person's ability to seek help, draining energy and self-esteem. For depressed seniors, raised in a time when mental illness was highly stigmatized and misunderstood, it can be even more difficult. Some seniors don’t believe depression is a real illness. Others are too proud or ashamed to ask for assistance, for fear of becoming a burden to their families. With such roadblocks, assistance from others can mean the difference between suffering and recovery.

If a senior citizen you care about is depressed, you can make a difference by offering emotional support. Listen to your loved one with patience and compassion. Don’t criticize feelings expressed, but point out realities and offer hope. You can also help by seeing that your friend or family member gets and accurate diagnosis and appropriate treatment. Help your loved one find a good doctor, accompany him or her to appointments, and offer moral support.

Other tips for helping a depressed elderly friend or relative:

Invite your loved one out. Depression is less likely when people’s bodies and minds remain active. Suggest activities to do together that your loved one used to enjoy: walks, an art class, a trip to the museum or the movies—anything that provides mental or physical stimulation.

Schedule regular social activities. Group outings, visits from friends and family members, or trips to the local senior or community center can help combat isolation and loneliness. Be gently insistent if your plans are refused: depressed people often feel better when they’re around others.

Plan and prepare healthy meals. A poor diet can make depression worse, so make sure your loved one is eating right, with plenty of fruit, vegetables, whole grains, and some protein at every meal.

Encourage the person to follow through with treatment. Depression usually recurs when treatment is stopped too soon, so help your loved one keep up with his or her treatment plan. If it isn’t helping, look into other medications and therapies.

Make sure all medications are taken as instructed. Remind the person to obey doctor's orders about the use of alcohol while on medication. Help them remember when to take their dose.

Watch for suicide warning signs. Seek immediate professional help if you suspect that your loved one is thinking about suicide.

So many factors will slide a senior into depression. They are vibrant individuals with so much to give in their later years. Their stories, memories and time they put into their lives deserves more than just isolation, loneliness and putting them aside. We can make a difference in the lives of our senior community. Let's start by being aware of senior depression and take steps to prevent it. Be aware, be well and be happy!

The Lure of Dopamine - The Lure of Drugs

2010-11-21T18:20:00.004-06:00

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is naturally produced in the body. It is present in the regions of the brain that regulate movement, emotion, motivation and the feeling of pleasure. Dopamine stabilizes the brain activity, regulated flow of information to other parts of the brain and controls movement. It plays a major part in addiction. Since Dopamine is a chemical messenger, it is similar to adrenaline. It activates the dopamine receptors.

When Dopamine is supplies as a drug, it acts on the sympathetic nervous system. This produces effects such as blood pressure, and increased heart rate. Dopamine, however, cannot cross the blood-brain barrier. Because of this, it being administered as a drug does not affect the central nervous system.

Patients suffering from Parkinson’s disease lack dopamine in the brain. To remedy that, a synthetic precursor to dopamine such as L-DOPA can be given, since this will cross the blood-brain barrier.

Functions of Dopamine

Dopamine has various functions in the brain. They are:

Movement

Dopamine is a crucial part of the basal ganglia motor loop. This means that it is absolutely critical to the way our brain controls our movements. Shortage of Dopamine causes Parkinson’s disease, in which a person cannot execute smooth, controlled movements.

Pleasure and Motivation

Dopamine is connected with the pleasure system of the brain. This means that is provides feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement which motivates us to do or to continue doing certain activities. Drugs seem to be directly or indirectly related to the increase of dopamine in the brain, and therefore are addictive in nature. However, after a while, the brain grows accustomed to the increased amount of Dopamine brought about by the drugs. Therefore, if the intake of drugs is suddenly stopped, it could have an opposite reaction such as depression.

Also, when aversive or unpleasant stimuli are encountered, dopamine is released. This suggests that it is not associated only with pleasure.

Dopamine is also released when a pleasurable activity is expected to happen. This tells us that the activity does not even have to actually take place for dopamine to be released. Therefore, it could be more involved in ‘desire’ rather than ‘pleasure’.

Cognition and Frontal Cortex function

Dopamine controls the flow of information to other parts of the brain. This occurs in the frontal lobes. Disorders in this part of the brain can cause a decline in memory, problem solving and attention. Neurocognitive functions as a whole, suffer a downfall.

Family Unity Fast Facts - Simple Reminders to Build Your Home Team

2010-05-14T15:07:00.000-05:00

Before I launch these great reminders for stronger families, I would also like to remind the reader that these things take a great deal of time, patience, understanding and a true dose of "reality" when surmising where their own family values are in relation to accomplishing a stronger family unit. These fast facts are just that: "fast facts" -- somewhat anecdotal, but they are true!

This sounds all great and wonderful...which it is... but I also realize that many times families need temperance with perception and reality; the difference between "what is" and "what is perceived." The road to a strong family, if the family was originally weak is not for the faint hearted. Understanding conflict, how to remain calm throughout family struggle and knowing how to successfully handle struggle and family conflict is a daunting chore. But for those of you folks out there who want to make it their best effort, recognize a need for strengthening their own family unit or just want to 'tune it up' some here are some facts that will help you.

Don't be proud, if you are a family in need --- and don't know where to start, help is also available to you in your community as well. Please contact me and I can point you in the right direction in your area...

*****

Family unity encourages families to create daily routines, as well as special traditions and celebrations which affirm members, connect them to family roots, and add creativity and fun to ordinary events. Families can build a secure nest in many ways. The nest must shelter without smothering and allow room for all members to “test their wings” under protection and encouragement.

Fast Facts

	Strong families recognize that there are benefits and pleasures to be gained from time and activities together. They also realize that they have contributions to make to the family and its members and some obligation to do so. They value the family bond and make efforts to preserve time together for family activities and interaction.
	Families that value unity will, from time-to-time, evaluate the time and energy allocated to family, and when necessary, make needed adjustments.
	By spending pleasant, positive time together, families build up a reserve of good feelings. When trouble comes, it has to be shared with the family and resolved.
	What families do together does not matter so much as that they do something together that is mutually planned and enjoyable. As a general principle, it is probably a good idea to strive for a balanced activity program, including active and inactive, physical and mental, old and new, at home and away, work and play. Spontaneity, humor, wit, and fun are goals to strive for.
	Family unity includes time that family members spend together, both quality and quantity. It means maintaining family identity and togetherness, balancing family priorities with support for member needs, producing strong family bonds, and freedom for individual self-expression.

Ambivalence in Relationships

2010-01-28T13:58:00.000-06:00

Ambivalence occurs in intimate relationships when there is the coexistence of opposing emotions and desires towards the other that create an uncertainty about being in the relationship.

It is our nature to split our experience into polarities, such as good/bad, right/wrong and emotions such as love/hate, joy/sadness. One could say that we constantly deal with the opposite of our experience even if that is unconscious. As we become closer to our beloved and feel connected our experience is defined by the possibility of separation. Every time we say 'yes' there is a 'no' in the background informing our choice. If I am saying 'yes' to something wholeheartedly, I can feel that yes in every cell of my being. 'No ' has been considered and rejected, however fleetingly, and my 'yes' has the quality of certainty. If my desire to say 'no" interferes with my 'yes' it will be said with hesitation and doubt, and a lingering uneasy feeling that causes me to hold back; I am unable to fully commit to that yes. So not only does the opposite polarity define my experience but the degree to which I have integrated it into my consciousness will also affect my experience. Ambivalence could be said to occur when we are stuck between two polarities, and unable to reconcile them.

All relationships contain opposing desires at times; this is the essence of conflict. The degree to which both ends of any polarity are conscious or hidden will affect how partners deal with conflict between them. In addition, how much each individual identifies with one end of the polarity will also determine the ability to resolve conflict. For example; if I identify with being kind and cannot tolerate the notion that I can be unkind, the unkind aspects to my psyche will become unconscious and drain energy away from my ability to be kind. I will not be fully present or authentic in my acts of kindness, and in all likelihood project 'unkindness' on to my partner. By being rigidly identified with one end of a polarity and blocking awareness of the intolerable aspect means we cannot be fully present. If both individuals in a relationship are identifying their nature in this way, then what they create between them will also be an inability to tolerate certain experiences and make resolving conflict difficult.

So if the nature of ambivalence is the inability to resolve an internal conflict that results in a lack of presence; a common way of expressing this is confusion. Ambivalence and confusion can be temporary states in all relationships, as we take time to resolve opposing or new information. However, where ambivalence becomes a chronic response to the world, confusion can become a defensive stance that protects us from being fully present. Expressing confusion habitually regarding what we want or need reinforces our sense of helplessness. 'I don't know' does not give us a sense of mastery over our world, nor does it give our partner anything to go on. The inability of either partner to move forward in the relationship, either to leave or to move closer reinforces this helplessness. This chronic pattern becomes a problem in relationships by inhibiting deeper intimacy.

A chronic pattern of ambivalence typically generates a dynamic in relationships where one partner is identified as 'uncommitted' and the other as wanting committment. Each partner will develop behaviors around this conflict in an attempt to pull their partner closer, or push them away. Each partner is expressing a particular role in the conflict over being in the relationship or out of it, but essentially both partners are creating the ambivalent tension between them by being identified with one end of the polarity.

In other words, if we were to reduce this to a simple yes and no - the two ends of a polarity would be, 'yes I want more with you' and 'no I do not want more with you'. Partners are identified with either yes or no, and between them creating a stalemate. We can assume from this that both partners have not resolved their own internal ambivalence as neither of them can commit themselves to either being in or out of the relationship, and neither of them in this dynamic are fully engaged with the other. Often as one moves away the other will express more desire for the relationship, and the 'certainty' expressed by the committed partner is a desire to hold on in reaction to the greater pulling away of the other.

Because ambivalence pulls the individual and the relationship in different directions there is an atmosphere of uncertainty and unpredictability that creates instability between the partners. There can be an atmosphere of impending doom and dissolution of the relationship. Partners often break up many times, or threaten to break up. As time goes on the relationship takes on the characteristics of an emotional roller coaster where they alternate between feeling hopeful and breaking up. Within this atmosphere, it can be very difficult for both partners to be themselves, and be open with each other. When faced with the possibility that it will end at any moment, anything that either of them believes could cause the relationship to end will be denied or held back. As each partner withholds aspects of himself or herself from the other, this creates distance, and thereby increases anxiety over the possibility of separation. It becomes a vicious circle.

Typically, the partner who expresses commitment feels hurt and rejected by the other. The feeling that they are not good enough for the other to fully be with them creates a reaction of trying to please them, in the hope that they can make their partner desire them. The partner who carries more uncertainty often feels guilty that they are not able to give more, and finds it increasingly difficult to voice their true feelings. They start to dance around each other trying to anticipate how the other is going to react to them and hold back their thoughts, feelings or desires if they think that the other will react badly to them. In this way the relationship becomes more and more dishonest.

Both partners are in a relationship that isn't the way they want it to be, but neither is able to leave. This is the essence of ambivalence. The preoccupation with separation, either wanting more separation, or being afraid of separation from the other, is the foundation of the anxiety that the relationship sits on. This preoccupation means that each individual cannot rest in the relationship; it is not a place of sanctuary and support but a place of deprivation. Even though there may be times where both partners can have fun and feel connected it is short lived, as both partners carry an underlying dissatisfaction that doesn't get resolved. A lot of time and energy gets taken up dealing with this underlying anxiety and deprivation.

From this perspective, the alternative to living with a chronic pattern of ambivalence would be to resolve internal conflicts that prevent one from taking action, making decisions, expressing how you feel, and being fully present. Issues around connection, intimacy and separation are often at the root of an ambivalent stance. To be fully here is to accept the fragility and imperfections of life, to go for 'it' despite the possibility it could be gone in the next moment.

Boomerang Kids- Keeping both of You sane until They Move Back out

2010-01-11T15:25:00.001-06:00

They're back!!!

"Boomerang Kids" - that is. These are young adults who left to go to college, get married or just strut their independence who have moved back in with mom and/or dad. Boomerang Kids can be a mixed blessing for parents, both emotionally and financially.

The trend is cyclical. Especially during tough economic times, this sends a lot of young folks and adult children back home. Plus, there is the matter of debt, especially college loans. For many recent grads, it made smart economic sense to move back in with their parents - where life is comfortable and rent is either low or nonexistent - while they get their finances in order. Then, of course, some return for personal reasons, to recover from a divorce or an illness, or just because they cannot afford their parents' lifestyle living on their own.

Caution: Parents are often happy to help out, both emotionally and financially. As a result, the arrangement often works to everyone's satisfaction. However, there are risks, especially for the parents. These include family tension and misunderstandings, but also money.

The return to the nest can become a financial burden that can derail the parents' plans and jeopardize their financial future, especially their retirement, as they try to do too much for their children. For example, if parents pick up a daughter's college loan, that payment is money not going toward their own retirement savings, very often at a time when the parents need to be stashing cash at an accelerated pace to meet retirement needs.

In almost all cases, the cohabitation arrangement will end eventually. Until it does, insist that your child carry her or his own weight around the house, and teach her or him the skills they'll need to live on their own.Finally when it comes to debt and helping your children out financially remember these three key points:

Help them restructure debts, rather than simply bail them out. Then teach them how to avoid new debt. One option is to match debt-reduction payments, with the understanding that they put away credit cards and live within their means.
Do not sacrifice your own financial future. Decide how much you want and can afford to help. Children tend to think their parents are wealthy, while some parents provide more financial support than they can afford. Remember that your children have decades to build their financial security, while you may be only a few years away from your retirement date. Ironically, if you are not careful, you could end up depending on your children for help in your old age.
Stay Organized: Having your children return home can be stressful. One way to help manage stress and anxiety is to stay organized. When it comes to your finances, few people have time to file all their paperwork. And yet it's important to know where you can find your life insurance policy or will should an emergency arise.

Have your child develop a LifeFolio system as a part of living with you while they get back on their feet. This LifeFolio system is alike a business plan for their future and also encompasses a plan for their goals in life, including meeting a mate if that is what they would like to do, buying a house and even planning for retirement. This is both an emotional as well as a financial goal setting LifeFolio. Without this, a child can remain directionless and stay at home forever, ignore boundaries and be too much enabled by parents who want to help too much.

Without something like this in place, this can turn into an unhealthy situation where the child regresses instead of progresses in their emotional adult life. Parents -- please don't turn your children into "Titty Babies" (actually, this is an urban term for Gen X and Gen Y-ers who refuse to move out and whine that they have it so hard) it will ruin their life in the long run, especially when you are no longer here on this planet. It is wise to teach them the skills while they are under your wing to move them onward, outward and EMOTIONALLY upward.

Having your children return to the safety net of your home can be wonderful time of family closeness. Setting the tone, laying out the ground rules, and making smart-money financial decisions can help create a positive, supportive environment that is in the best interests of you and your returning family members. Your role is to guide them not enable them.

Getting Out Of Our Own Way - Emotional Literacy and Understanding our Feelings

2010-01-11T14:41:00.000-06:00

Quieting your mind can be an arduous task. Why is it that we sometimes or always need proof to back up our gut feelings. One thing I like to believe is that you can love the way you think but you can't think your way into love.

I would like to quote a blog that I follow: " I've spoken many times before (sic) about the problem with the EGO. The EGO is all consuming for many of us & the only thing we know to listen to. But the truth is that although it's always the loudest noise & always craves attention we need to let it go & get past it. Once we can move beyond the EGO & the active mind we can begin to feel the connection with the soul."

When a child is born the first thing he becomes aware of is not himself; the first thing he becomes aware of is the other. It is natural, because the eyes open outwards, the hands touch others, the ears listen to others, the tongue tastes food and the nose smells the outside. All these senses open outwards.

That is what birth means. Birth means coming into this world, the world of the outside. So when a child is born, he is born into this world. He opens his eyes, sees others. He becomes aware of the mother first. Then, by and by, he becomes aware of his own body. That too is the other, that too belongs to the world. He is hungry and he feels the body; his need is satisfied, he forgets the body.

This is how a child grows. First he becomes aware of you, other, and then by and by, in contrast to you, others and he becomes aware of himself.

This awareness is a reflected awareness. He is not aware of who he is. He is simply aware of the mother and what she thinks about him. If she smiles, if she appreciates the child, if she says, "You are beautiful," if she hugs and kisses him, the child feels good about himself. Now an ego is born.

I am using the term "EGO" for the sake of simplicity. Some psychologists call it the child within, some call it an ego state, but the general population calls it the ego.

How often do we find that we are in our own way? In our own way means that we allow fear to control the parts of our ego to stunt emotional growth. I can honestly say that I hate fear with all that I have. Fear is a very real, strong, persuasive primary emotion.

In a random way, this is connected to emotional literacy. Emotional Literacy is the ability to recognize, understand and appropriately express our emotions. Just as verbal literacy is the basic building-block for reading and writing, emotional literacy is the basis for perceiving and communicating emotions. Becoming emotionally literate is learning the alphabet, grammar and vocabulary of our emotional lives.

Emotions are an integral part of human nature. Through emotions we respond to life in many different ways -- with anger, happiness, fear, love and loneliness. Emotions influence our thoughts and actions; they inspire our needs; they affect our bodies and impact on our relationships.

Many of the problems in modern society are due, at least in part, to people being unable to understand and appropriately express emotion. Emotional Literacy is a preventive tool, which properly understood, can help solve many social ills -- violence, illness, drug abuse, dysfunctional relationships, and global societal conflicts.

On the other hand, people who deal with emotions in a positive way find tremendous benefit. Emotional Literacy can contribute to health, to positive relationships, to success, and to quality of life.

So what you might say? Here’s some tips on decoding your emotions so you can get out of your own way and start living the life that you always wanted to live.

The Automatic Assumptions That Lie Behind Emotion:

This list below shows some of the key automatic assumptions that we make when we experience negative emotion. Different assumptions are associated with the experience of different emotions. Only some of these will apply at any one time:

· That the situation is relevant to our goals: Goals can be formal goals or objectives that we set ourselves, or can be informal, unstated desires like wanting to drink when thirsty or eat when hungry. If the situation is not relevant to our goals or to the goals of people who are important to us, then we feel little emotion. The intensity of the emotion we feel reflects the importance of the goal.

· That the situation threatens our goals: We usually experience positive emotions in situations that support our achievement of goals and negative emotion when these are being frustrated.

· That we expect the situation to turn out badly.

· That we feel that something important to us is being threatened: We experience different emotions depending on which of the following personal factors we think are threatened:

o Our self-esteem, or the value that other people see in us

o Our ideal of how we want to see ourselves

o Our moral values

o Thoughts, ideas, philosophies and understandings of reality that we think are important

o People that we love or objects that we value

o Goals and ambitions that are important to us

o That we are responsible, or that someone else is to blame

o That we have some power to affect the situation, or that we are powerless

Summary:
While acting immediately on strong emotion can often leave us looking foolish, emotion should not be discounted. While strong emotion can cause us to make mistakes, it can also act as an early warning system, alerting us to threats in our environment long before we could rationally understand what's going on.

Emotional Analysis helps us to understand the information content of our emotions. It allows us to challenge the underlying assumptions to see whether the are incorrect, or whether they are alerting us to important information that we need to recognize and act on.

To use Emotional Analysis, follow these steps:

· Relax so that you can challenge the assumptions you are making objectively

· Identify these assumptions

· Challenge them rationally and identify valid and invalid assumptions

· Take action appropriately

This tool helps us to manage emotions, the strong feelings that move us to action. The next blog on Cognitive Restructuring is similar to this, but helps us to manage the more passive, longer-term feelings that we call moods.

Healthy Marriages & Sex

2009-11-13T14:04:00.002-06:00

"The Crisis of Sexless Marriages:

How Much Sex Makes a Marriage Healthy-

Sexual Addiction and What is It”

So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire.It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And here (in California) where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.

First things first, however. What is sex addiction? This definition is important to recognize and understand for those of you who might think that you might be out of the average range of typical sexual behavior.

According to Patrick Carnes (Out of the Shadows) - the cycle begins with the "Core Beliefs" that sex addicts hold:

"I am basically a bad, unworthy person."

"No one would love me as I am."

"My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others."

"Sex is my most important need."

Sex addicts don’t necessarily enjoy sex more than other people. In all reality, the sex addict is compelled to act out sexually. The addicts themselves may not be able to understand why they are acting out sexually or why constant thoughts either of having sex with someone or compulsively masturbating fill their minds, and push out other avenues of interest. The addiction is often mistaken by the sex addict as “love”, but love really has nothing to do with it. What passes for love, is really a progressively negative and intrusive behavior that takes away all of the addict’s self-esteem.

Contrary to enjoying sex as a self affirming source of physical pleasure, the addict has learned to rely on sex for comfort from emotional pain. Each new sexual adventure gives meaning to the sex addict’s life, for a short time. The relief that the sex addict gets from each new sexual conquest is temporary and must be repeated with new partners over and over again when any sense of boredom or routine begins in the relationship. Sexual addiction, by contrast, usually is a preoccupation with sexual arousal and sexual release which often has little to do with who the person is and requires no relationship.

Sexual addiction is progressive and it rarely gets better. Over time it gets more frequent and more extreme. At other times when it seems under control, the addict is merely engaging in one of the common traits of the disease process in which he switches from sexual release to the control of it. The control phase inevitably breaks down over time and the addict is back in the behavior again, despite his promise to himself or others never to do so much again. They cannot live without sex. Period.

Addiction can be a positive factor on one’s life, if we realize that it may be the one thing that enables one to endure the very worst situations and go on to live a life that can later be full and rewarding. It is how the addiction is addressed and dealt with that will determine how the addict will fare later life. Addiction may have been the tool that has kept the survivor’s feelings and memories at bay.

What’s the difference between sex addiction and a high sex drive? I have heard this question on almost every national talk show or radio show I have been on over the years. A person with a high sex drive is satisfied with sex. It's not about a fix for something; when their partner says "NO" it doesn't make them go off the handle thinking their partner is totally rejecting them and have to leave the house or act out in some other way. If you can relate to this the chances are there may be an addiction issue.

Sex addiction is a way some people medicate their feelings and/or cope with their stresses to the degree that their sexual behavior becomes their major coping mechanism for stresses in their life. The individual often can not stop this sexual behavior for any great length of time by themselves. The sex addict spends a lot of time in the pursuit of his or her sexual behavior and will try to not attach to their sexual partners in order to avoid feeling emotion or avoid the risk of being abandoned.

The beginnings of sexual addiction are usually rooted up in adolescence or childhood. It is found that 60% of sexual addicts were abused by someone in their childhood (Book, 1997,pp 52). The child may have grown up in a hostile, chaotic or neglectful home, or the family may have been very normal but the child grows up emotionally starved for love because affection is rarely expressed. Gradually sex becomes a replacement act to turn to in times of any kind of need, from escaping boredom, to feeling anxious, to being able to sleep at night.

What is it like to live with a sex addict from a partner’s or wife’s perspective? The partners of sex addicts report many similar feelings about living with the sex addict. The feeling of aloneness is a common experience with partners of sex addicts, the sense that he can't open up and tell you about his "real" self. Anger for many different unmet needs as a person and as a woman are often common.

Sexual addiction is, in its simplest form, a normal sex drive that has become obsessive, to the point that behavior is out of control and sex is necessary on a daily basis. A sex addict would rather have sex than communicate intimately or feel emotion. Sex addicts typically avoid their own issues and don't express their deepest feelings. Addicts do so during sex only. Relationships and marriages with sex addicts are typified by the spouse of the addict stating that they feel as though they are being used and that the addict does not care for them in an intimate capacity. When the root of addiction is expression of emotion (all addiction for that matter).

There are times when the addict can abstain from sex "just to see if they can do that". Sexual addiction is referred to as a 'process' addiction, as opposed to a substance addiction like alcohol or drugs. In a process addiction, the euphoric feeling (or "high") comes from chemicals released into the brain, rather than from an external source. As the mind becomes accustomed to the release of these chemicals, it searches out for continued sources of that high. This could be from eating, the adrenaline rush of competition, putting yourself in dangerous situations, or from sexual stimuli. When the sex addict does not meet his needs in the sexual area of his relationship or marriage, they may put all that energy into work until the next sexual encounter with a spouse or lover is achieved.

Why do people become sexually addicted? This is different for every sex addict but generally speaking there are biological, psychological, and spiritual reasons. The following is a short explanation of each reason why someone can become a sex addict. The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a euphoric state with ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain. Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a sexual encounter in place of processing deep emotion. Spiritually, a person is filling up the God hole in them with their sexual addiction. The addiction is their spirituality, it comforts them, celebrates them and is always available and present.

Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.

“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”

Low sex drive is such a problem, said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, that it’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”

Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”

Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days, from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless” — young New Yorkers so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.

So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex (it could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex). But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.

“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized, that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.’”

Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire — including some antidepressants and some birth control pills — most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.

Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to and he may not,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”

Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage — and corresponding feelings about sex.

“I look back to my parents’ generation; they had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs: Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages, and with that freedom comes conflict.”

In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”

In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.

“If having sex becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops: the hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.

About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”

“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,’” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”

It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8″ rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”

Here is a simple generalized assessment if you think you might be a sex addict. Be candid and honest with yourself. Remember that you can’t blame your partner for your sex drive and what you want out of the experience of sex. You only can control you and your emotions. So with that being said, be brave and see where you stand.

This is a set of questions to help you see your sexual activity more clearly. It is an assessment of sexually compulsive or addictive behavior. A high number of YES answers may be a sign of some issues with sex addiction. After using this questionnaire, please consult a trained professional to discuss these issues further.

1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?

2. Do you regularly purchase romance novels or sexually explicit magazines?

3. Have you stayed in a romantic relationship after it became emotionally or physically abusive?

4. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts or romantic daydreams?

5. Do you feel that your sexual behavior is normal?

6. Does your spouse (or significant other(s)) ever worry or complain about your sexual behavior?

7. Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behavior when you know it is inappropriate?

8. Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behavior?

9. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family?

10. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like?

11. Have you ever worried about people finding out about your sexual activities?

12. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?

13. Have you ever participated in a sexual activity in exchange for money or gifts?

14. Do you have times when you act out sexually followed by periods of celibacy (no sex at all)?

15. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed?

16. Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from others?

17. Do you find yourself having multiple romantic relationships at the same time?

18. Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior?

19. Have sex or romantic fantasies been a way for you to escape your problems?

20. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?

21. Do you regularly engage in sado-masochistic behavior?

22. Has your sexual activity interfered with your family life?

23. Have you been sexual with minors?

24. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire or fantasies of romance?

25. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?

Lastly, COMMUNICATE without sex! Here are a few pointers!

Don’t avoid stating your feelings! Have courage and “get it off your chest” There is nothing more damaging to a relationship than bottling up your emotions. Speak the truth in love. Trust me…you’ll feel much better. Don’t hold it in. This created insecurity for your partner. Also, if your partner asks you a question that they are curious about, don’t avoid answering the question. If you don’t know the answer, say that you don’t know and you need to think about. If you avoid answering questions from your partner, you will make them feel unimportant, invisible and unloved.

Listen generously. Reflect back what the person said accurately. Hear the person's feeling. Tune in to what the other person wants and feel what's underneath it. Listen with your third ear.

Speak unarguably. That means speaking in statements of fact that can't be argued. For example, you may say to your partner: "I feel bad when you leave for work without saying good-bye." You're saying that you feel bad (a fact) when your partner does not say good-bye (also a fact), and that cannot be argued. This way of speaking places no blame and allows a conversation to happen without argument.

Focus on appreciation. A 5-1 ratio of appreciation to complaint is recommended. Focus on positive aspects of your partner and your relationship.

Turn your complaints into requests. For example, ask your partner: "If I make dinner, will you clean up?" Be committed to making clear agreements.

Shift from blame to wonder. Ask yourself how you might be contributing to a communication problem. Kathlyn Hendricks asks people to "hmmm," which shifts you from your critical mind to your creative mind and, in turn, causes you to shift from being right to having a healthier relationship. Would you rather be right, or happy?

Four "Simple" Communication Tools

Steve Stewart, author of 52 Simple Rules to Improve Your Relationship, says that each partner needs to get what he or she wants from a relationship for it to be successful. To help couples communicate more effectively, Stewart uses four simple but effective tools:

Ask for what you want. Stewart says that most people don't ask for what they want because they think they can't get it. But the opposite is typically true. Most people are surprised to learn/to find out that they can get what they want simply by asking.

Show your partner what you want to receive. "In other words," says Stewart, "give your partner what you would like your partner to give you."

Learn to negotiate. Relationships are give and take. For example — "Honey, I will cook dinner, if you will do the dishes afterward."

Learn to modify what you want. "Ask yourself if what you want is really something you have to have," says Stewart.

Marriage is a combination of friendship, love, and the intimacy of a physical union. Call it making love, marital relations, or by any other name, it is the pleasurable act and art of sex. We expect it, it is good for our health, we need it, we want it in our love relationships so it can become all that we yearn for it to be. But be careful; if you are having sex to avoid feelings and using it as a coping mechanism, then that’s a pathway of addiction. Sex augments marriages as an ADDITIONAL means of communication, not the sole means of communication. On the other hand, healthy sexuality asks couples to take charge of their lives. Be your own manager. If you were paid to schedule time for someone else, you would. Why not treat your relationship the same as you would another person? Your pay can be the reward of being with the person you love.

Your Stories

2009-11-12T09:00:00.000-06:00

Hi,

Please submit one or more of your life experience(s) in the comment box and the wisdom you wish to give others as you thrived and learned from it. You may post anonymously.

Welcome to Lyfe 101

2009-11-11T17:39:00.007-06:00

During the past several decades, increasing attention has been given to the state of American families and emotional health and well being. This renewed interest has occurred amidst dramatic change in the structure and function of the American family (Cherlin, 2004). The changes in family formation have inspired researchers to cross disciplinary lines to empirically investigate what these changes mean for individuals, families and social ideology. These objectives hold particular promise in improving the chances for emotionally healthy individuals who can thrive in their own personal relationships.

Great opportunity exists to encourage the formation of healthy relationships in our society, particularly. Being connected into and online community can thwart these efforts in doing so.

We welcome you to this blog community and encourate you to post your comments, thoughts, suggestions and share your life experiences. Archisexture is all about YOU and how to make the best of your relationships, maintain an emotional wellness and share with others your experiences to encourage and perpetuate the same.